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Say goodbye to Rob Ford, Pinterest

26 Nov

For anyone outside Toronto, please continue scrolling. To my fellow Torontonians: congratulations! The gravy train is finally leaving the station.

The Rush Limbaugh of Canada has been ousted.

I haven’t been this happy since November 6th.

This morning, Toronto mayor Rob Ford was removed from office by a judge.

Something about hopping on the gravy train he promised to destroy by wrongly taking money from lobbyists during his campaign, and failing to pay it back.

In his two short years as the mayor of Canada’s largest city, Ford has removed bike lanes, cut public transit, closed libraries, all while failing to push Toronto closer to financial solvency. The only positive comments I have about him are that he cracked down on graffiti, with some hits and misses, and didn’t block plans for a (diesel, ugh) transit link to the airport.

Maybe, just maybe, now that he’s gone, Toronto can begin to build infrastructure that will allow the city to grow sustainably. I can dream, can’t I? My fantasies include: biking to work without a) getting a wheel caught in a streetcar track b) getting doored or c) being run over by someone reading or talking on his cell phone while driving.

Do you have any Canadian Pinterest buddies? If so, send them some champagne and smelling salts! With all the excitement of the Grey Cup yesterday, and this colossal news this morning, they’re probably feeling pretty overwhelmed.

That first board title, pictured above, says it all.

Stress eating microwave mug cakes, help

6 Nov

It’s too close to call! Pinterest is collectively having conniptions over the election, and so am I.

Comments, repins and likes are flying on Obama and Romney pins. Check back here soon for a big Pinterest election post when the results are announced.

We just CANNOT HAS this again (as if you didn’t know which way I would vote).

I cannot stress-eat one more mug cake over right-wing ignorance or be put in a binder.

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Guns and Lululemon don’t mix

9 Sep

It’s back to school time! How about a pop quiz?

See if you can identify which of the following statements is false.

  1. Exercise is my favourite thing ever.
  2. Especially running. I love to run.
  3. I love to run at night.
  4. When I run, I love to wear spanx under my running shorts.
  5. In those spanx, I like to conceal a handgun, pointed directly at my ass.
  6. If I was attacked, I would definitely have time to reach into my shorts, into the spanx holster, pull out the gun, and defend myself.

Did you guess all? Congratulations: the correct answer is all, all answers are false.

Here are the true versions of those statements:

  1. Exercise is not my favourite thing ever. As previously discussed, that’s peanut butter fudge.
  2. I don’t run. At all. If I tried, it would be more of a slow lope.
  3. I definitely do not run at night. That time is reserved for writing these posts.
  4. I cannot imagine anything less comfortable than wearing a holstered pair of spanx under my shorts.
  5. I would never carry a concealed weapon in said spanx.
  6. I would probably not have the time to get the gun if I was being attacked.

Most women, when attacked in public, are attacked from behind. In those cases the attacker would probably find the gun before you do. How convenient!

Screencap of a PInterest pin of a pair of under running shorts with a gun holster in the small of the back

If you do jog in a crime-ridden area, there are alternatives that would be much less likely to be used against you.

Isn’t this mace just darling?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin for a pink mace can.

Or, there’s the alarm option. This one comes with a bonus: If your attacker grabs your wrist, he’ll set it off himself!

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a wrist rape alarm.

The alarm watch could also be a great option for those awkward first meetings in the online dating world. Drinks not going well? Simply press the button without him seeing, tell your him that you have to leave for an important, G14-classified mission, and run out of the bar dramatically.

Tons of fun! In truth, women shouldn’t have to jog with a gun or a rottweiler, mace or a whistle, stay inside and buy a treadmill, or avoid night jogging all together. Violence should be dealt with on the supply side (not that there’s a demand side), with better programs to root out sexism, discourage violence against women and rehabilitate aggressors so they don’t recommit their crimes.

Running spanx- and gun-free is at night is not just a right, but a safety issue. Which is to say: I’d probably shoot myself in the ass. Anyone else?

Pinterest reacts to Todd Akin

22 Aug

Sometimes, Pinterest can seem like a glimpse into the Bible Belt’s subconscious; the social platform definitely tilts right politically and socially.  Pro-life, anti-Obama and camo wedding pins abound. With all the abstinence-only education pins, I thought the conservative communities on Pinterest would rejoice at the publicity around one of their own.

However, Todd Akin’s recent remarks on rape–generally in sync with the GOP’s anti-abortion platform–brought out an unexpected burst of anti-Republican vitriol. Yes, vitriol. Clearly, I’ve spent too much time watching election coverage.

Most pinners are aware of the three solid methods of birth control:

Birth control effectiveness: condoms, 99 percent, birth control, 99 percent, crocs, 100 percent.

Todd Akin, Republican Senate nominee and member of the House Science, Space and Technology committee (yes, really), believes all three methods are superfluous. The most effective form of birth control? Women can shut down pregnancies through sheer force of will!

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” – Todd Akin

As opposed to an illegitimate rape, through which women get pregnant (serve them right!).

The people of Pinterest, like most people who possess even the slightest understanding of human reproduction, disagreed.

Angry Pinterest pins of Todd Akin

You can even purchase a legitimate rape kit inspired by Todd.

Screencap of a pin, Introducing the Todd Akin Legitimate Rape Kit. If you're pregnant, you were not legitimately raped.Under Todd Akin and the GOP’s planned health care cuts, however, this would probably be closer to the actual cost of a rape kit for women without health insurance–up to $4,570. Should bring the number of reported rapes down! Akin: tough on crime.

What happened to the brave few pro-Akin pinners?

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Glitter and spankings

5 Aug

Apologies to everyone who thought this was a post on Twilight or 50 Shades of Misogyny. No, this is a post about the decidedly unsexy topic of parenting.

There’s a fork in the road of parenting that every mom and dad comes to: the way of glitter, or the way of spanking. Judging from this pin, many Pinterest parents have chosen the well-beaten path of corporal punishment (see what I did there?).

A screencap of a pin for time out glitter bottles, used ot calm a child down. Some have commented that they're a great idea, and someone has said what happened to real discipline.

More pinners bemoan the dearth of spanking below:

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Misogynists of Pinterest

4 Aug

One could say that Pinterest is a rather conservative social platform. The vitriol aimed at more liberally minded pins can be quite astounding, and when conservative men jump in, they bring their chauvinism with them.

TL;DR version: People who believe women should have access to birth control + people who believe humans should only procreate to produce children (or people who think that “private employers” means “taxpayers”) = an explosive comment war, and a prelude to the 2012 presidential election.

According to Jeffrey, sex should be for procreation only. That’s the way it’s always been, isn’t it? That’s why all women until the invention of slut pills in the 60s had about 15 t0 20 children each, OR had sex less maybe 10 times over the course of their entire lives. Yes.

Birth control (and the ability to control the size of one’s family) is a newfangled sin enabler that will surely bring down Western society. It’s provided no benefits to women or men, ever.

A screencap of a pin that says I'm an educated, independent woman, or as  Rush Limbaugh would say, a whore.

Careful, boys:

An animated GIF of robert downey junior in tropic thunder saying you're about to cross some fucking lines.

16-year-olds “trying not to get pregnant” shouldn’t be allowed birth control, apparently. It’s for married women only, because two teenagers would make much better parents than a married couple.

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Nature’s magesty: ready, aim, fire

28 Jul

You know why Bambi’s mother had to die?

An image of a pin of a beautiful caribou in a forest, with the caption hunting season underneath.

This is why. @#(*$ like this. When “beautiful and peaceful” turns into “hunting season.”

Next thing you know, they’ll be going after my bunny from another honey. Thumper, obvi.

Mandatory gun class for all children: a good idea?

27 Jul

Can you name two things that every American should know how to use?

If you guessed a defibrillator and a bicycle, you were wrong. The real things children need to learn in school is the Bible, and guns. Preferably, together.

Kids will just love learning how to shoot to kill!

An animated gif of stewie from family guy, a baby, shaking and holding himself on the ground, apparently traumatized.

Today, kids, we’re going to focus on aiming. Go for the jugular! This is the safety. This is how to load another round. Let me try to jog my memory: guns and schools… What could go wrong?

An animated image of Stewie the baby from Family Guy, loading a gun while saying I guess this is the night bitches die.
Here’s the pin:

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More patronizing advice for women

19 Jul

Hey, ladies! Pro-abstinence pinners want you to know about your limited choices. Let me break it down the two options for you:

  1. 100 years of sleep, then prince charming!
  2. 100 years of awake, kissing wrong frogs!

It is better for a girl to sleep for 100 years and be awakened by her prince charming than to stay awake and be kissed a hundred times by the wrong frog.

So, on the one hand, we have pure, virginal sleep. So innocent! So passive! Who wouldn’t want to calmly wait for her prince charming, who will surely come along as long as she stays as innocent and passive as she can?

On the other hand, sinful, whoreish activity. Going out and kissing 100 frogs, then finding prince charming. Or wait… It’s just one wrong frog, kissing you 100 times. This pin doesn’t even make sense.

Which would you choose? Remember: there’s no middle road.

Fight the good fight, Leslie Kemp. You’re my new hero.

UPDATE: This philosophy IRL in Ukraine.

Liberals are geese lost in a storm, according to Ken, hater of Satin

27 Jun

Pinterest vegetarians, they’re all the same. You make one little joke about their tree-hugging, hippy-loving ways, and they start throwing kale chips at you and calling you a fascist neo-con. Or something of that variation.

When I started this blog, I decided that there were two things I wouldn’t touch. 1. Religion. 2. People’s real names. I wouldn’t include either on Pinfuriating to avoid flame wars and potential lawsuits. Both untouchables were reconsidered when I realized that the first was too ripe for satire to leave out, and the second was just fair game.

Pinterest is a very public social platform, much like Twitter–when you pin, like, or comment, you’re well aware that anyone can see it, not just Pinners you follow. This is why I have no problem posting screenshots of pins without blurring out names; if any browser or non-Pinterest member can see it, I figure, my readers can too. No matter how embarrassing their Pinterest escapades are.

Let me introduce you to Ken Walker. On a pin of a famous Regan quote, he went head to head with pinners who tried to assert that Obama is not, in fact, the devil’s spawn here to destroy America. Oh, and Ken had plenty help on his tirade. A discouraging amount.

Comments by a man named Ken Walker on a pin about Ronald Reagan.

Here’s the pin that sparked the mudslinging:

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