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Say goodbye to Rob Ford, Pinterest

26 Nov

For anyone outside Toronto, please continue scrolling. To my fellow Torontonians: congratulations! The gravy train is finally leaving the station.

The Rush Limbaugh of Canada has been ousted.

I haven’t been this happy since November 6th.

This morning, Toronto mayor Rob Ford was removed from office by a judge.

Something about hopping on the gravy train he promised to destroy by wrongly taking money from lobbyists during his campaign, and failing to pay it back.

In his two short years as the mayor of Canada’s largest city, Ford has removed bike lanes, cut public transit, closed libraries, all while failing to push Toronto closer to financial solvency. The only positive comments I have about him are that he cracked down on graffiti, with some hits and misses, and didn’t block plans for a (diesel, ugh) transit link to the airport.

Maybe, just maybe, now that he’s gone, Toronto can begin to build infrastructure that will allow the city to grow sustainably. I can dream, can’t I? My fantasies include: biking to work without a) getting a wheel caught in a streetcar track b) getting doored or c) being run over by someone reading or talking on his cell phone while driving.

Do you have any Canadian Pinterest buddies? If so, send them some champagne and smelling salts! With all the excitement of the Grey Cup yesterday, and this colossal news this morning, they’re probably feeling pretty overwhelmed.

That first board title, pictured above, says it all.

It’s only a sweatshirt, Mae

7 Nov

And it’s 80s throwback sweatshirt at that. It really complements those acid-wash jeans.

So, she wants the cross to be bigger? I’m not really sure how this would be feasible, unless the sweatshirt was made into a full-body bedazzled jumpsuit. Shudder.

Stress eating microwave mug cakes, help

6 Nov

It’s too close to call! Pinterest is collectively having conniptions over the election, and so am I.

Comments, repins and likes are flying on Obama and Romney pins. Check back here soon for a big Pinterest election post when the results are announced.

We just CANNOT HAS this again (as if you didn’t know which way I would vote).

I cannot stress-eat one more mug cake over right-wing ignorance or be put in a binder.

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Pierre has some explaining to do

2 Nov

It’s difficult to find a pin of a tattoo without a raging comment war. Those will look hideous when you’re old! You think my old skin will look any better?

It’s rare that I side with the Ink Belongs on Stationary contingent, but in this case…

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Real or not real

1 Nov

We’ve all seen pins with comments reading, “Is this real?” They’re usually a pretty good sign that the pin in question is, in fact, not real.

Two necklaces inspired by the hunger games, one reading real, and one reading not real. Real or not real.

The bunny/kitten hybrid? Not real. The delicious pumpkin bread with only 3 calories per slice? Not real.  A road shaped like a treble clef just because?

Not real, Elissa. Gotta love that imagination, though.

When I smoke a nasty Pinterest commenter on this blog…

9 Oct

… And that commenter finds the post, I’m just like:

Feels good.

Einstein, faith, and turtles, turtles all the way down

6 Oct

The most popular man on Pinterest? If you guessed one or both of the Hemsworth brothers, you’re wrong. It’s this guy.

Einstein’s inspiring quotes have made him one of the most repinned men on Pinterest. Surely, you’ve seen this one around:

Screencap of a Pinterest pin. Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.

I just love it when pinners write my commentary for me. See Sanderella’s (Great name!) comment for my feelings on the overly generous quote. I get the felling that the above is just Einstein trying to be nice; it doesn’t actually mean that he believes everyone is as smart as he is. See his thoughts on stupidity:

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”

Einstein, capable of delivering quite third degree burns verbally, was an exceptionally clever man on all counts. See his theory of relativity, and this quote on mixing patterns:

See? Perfectly logical, and accredited with certainty with more certainty than the insanity below to Einstein, apparently quite the fashionista.

Not all Einstein quotes on Pinterest are, however, drawn from the scientist, or even from common sense. The most pinfuriating “Einstein” repin is probably this missive:

Take time to read, it’s worth reading, trust you? I don’t trust any pin that originates on Facebook from a blacked-out username.

The conversation is supposedly between Einstein and a professor, and in it Einstein successfully proves the existence of God by disproving the teacher’s belief in the scientific process. Maybe. Does something about this pin seem off to you? Congratulations!

Animated gif from ratatouille of a chef toasting the main character, congratulations on your non idiocy.

Something is off: the entire pin. Here’s how the conversation the pin captures would have started if it were drawn from real life, not a religious fantasy of science submitting to faith:

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When men wander off Reddit onto Pinterest

21 Sep

Pinterest can be a great place for men. Though heavily outnumbered and outglittered, they have made space among the tutus and the ombre.

Some men, however, may be better off just pinning and repinning, not commenting. These particular pinners to understand that Pinterest is not eHarmony, nor a street corner where they can catcall innocent pinners.

Sam’s comment is just…

Do the creep

… creepy.

Get thee to a Reddit, Sam. You are banished. I banish thee.

Not sure if his comment is report-worthy, but the word “banished” is definitely underused.

Guns and Lululemon don’t mix

9 Sep

It’s back to school time! How about a pop quiz?

See if you can identify which of the following statements is false.

  1. Exercise is my favourite thing ever.
  2. Especially running. I love to run.
  3. I love to run at night.
  4. When I run, I love to wear spanx under my running shorts.
  5. In those spanx, I like to conceal a handgun, pointed directly at my ass.
  6. If I was attacked, I would definitely have time to reach into my shorts, into the spanx holster, pull out the gun, and defend myself.

Did you guess all? Congratulations: the correct answer is all, all answers are false.

Here are the true versions of those statements:

  1. Exercise is not my favourite thing ever. As previously discussed, that’s peanut butter fudge.
  2. I don’t run. At all. If I tried, it would be more of a slow lope.
  3. I definitely do not run at night. That time is reserved for writing these posts.
  4. I cannot imagine anything less comfortable than wearing a holstered pair of spanx under my shorts.
  5. I would never carry a concealed weapon in said spanx.
  6. I would probably not have the time to get the gun if I was being attacked.

Most women, when attacked in public, are attacked from behind. In those cases the attacker would probably find the gun before you do. How convenient!

Screencap of a PInterest pin of a pair of under running shorts with a gun holster in the small of the back

If you do jog in a crime-ridden area, there are alternatives that would be much less likely to be used against you.

Isn’t this mace just darling?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin for a pink mace can.

Or, there’s the alarm option. This one comes with a bonus: If your attacker grabs your wrist, he’ll set it off himself!

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a wrist rape alarm.

The alarm watch could also be a great option for those awkward first meetings in the online dating world. Drinks not going well? Simply press the button without him seeing, tell your him that you have to leave for an important, G14-classified mission, and run out of the bar dramatically.

Tons of fun! In truth, women shouldn’t have to jog with a gun or a rottweiler, mace or a whistle, stay inside and buy a treadmill, or avoid night jogging all together. Violence should be dealt with on the supply side (not that there’s a demand side), with better programs to root out sexism, discourage violence against women and rehabilitate aggressors so they don’t recommit their crimes.

Running spanx- and gun-free is at night is not just a right, but a safety issue. Which is to say: I’d probably shoot myself in the ass. Anyone else?

That time 1D fans took over Pinterest

6 Sep

First they came for X-Factor, and I didn’t speak out because, whatever, I don’t watch that show.

Then they came for Twitter, and I didn’t tweet out because I didn’t want to incur their wrath. I like my trending topics news related, not overwhelmed by prepubescent games of red rover between boy band fan groups, but their ability to swarm-attack is terrifying.

A screencap of worldwide trending topics on Pinterest, split between Justin, 1D makes me smile, Justin gets sexier everyday, and Justin has a flawless smile.Then they came for Pinterest, and there were no other platforms I could use to complain where they wouldn’t overwhelm me.

You know who I’m talking about: One Direction fans.

Pardon me, 1D. Like a swarm of insatiable baby locusts, they will not be satisfied until every platform on earth has been consumed by their bubblegum pop and bitter wars of attrition with Beliebers and The Wanted fans.

I first noticed their presence when these pins became more and more plentiful on the popular page. These pins are called One Direction Facts, or two seconds of my life that I would very much like to get back but, tragically, cannot.

The only way to dull my pain is to inflict it upon you, dear readers. Apologies in advance.
Screencap of a pinterest pin of a one direction fact.

This is stupid, Jessica.

I now know that “Zayn” and “Liam” once had a fight that was resolved with a hug. Thinking about what other more relevant factoid was pushed out of my brain to make room for that one upsets me. The capital of South Dakota? The year Canada was founded? I’ll never know.

Oh, and a note for Amy: resolving a conflict with a hug doesn’t make you gay, it makes you sane, adorable, and probably British.

Screencap of a pinterest pin of a One Direction fact, stating that Neil's first tweet was to Justin Bieber.

Niall’s early olive branch, sadly, did not lead to a lasting peace between the Bieber and 1D factions.

Screencap of a pinterest pin of a one direction fact, saying that LIam takes long showers. EW.

Why? WHY?

Things I didn’t need to know, #98137. I’m going to go wash out my brain and eyes with soap in the… sink.