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More kitchen tools for the cook who has everything, including a banana slicer

20 Aug

In a weak moment at Target, you bought yourself a banana slicer, forgetting forever that you own a set of knives and know how to use them.

When you got home to whip up a bowl of your signature tacos, you stared down at the guacamole ingredients confusedly. With your new banana slicer and corn shucker, you had forgotten how to use your hands for basic household tasks.

How did this go again? Back to Target.

A screencap of a Pin from pinterest, showing an avocado cutter that looks like a small basket made with wire with a handle, which you press into the avocado to create cubes.

Beware–this cutter will only work with avocados that are the specific depth and width of the cutter. It’s best to bring it to the grocery store with you, to measure the avocados against.

Two trips to Target later, and the tacos are on the table. Lying on their sides like a sad group of beached whales. But wait!

Since you’ve completely lost touch with the capabilities of your hands, a taco holder is now also necessary.

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Kitchen tools for the cook who has everything, is bored

17 Aug

I’m the sort of person who thinks she can get through life with a Swiss Army knife and a tarp. So, when I see seemingly superfluous implements like the kiwi flayer or the kale grinder, I squirm. On the one hand, a defining feature of humanity is our use of tools.

Behold, the dawn of man:

On the other hand, do you really thinkour hands, complex machines with 27+ bones and 17n muscles each that scientists can’t even replicate now, need the help of a plastic banana slicer?

A screencap of a pin from pinterest with a photo of a bunch of bananas and a plastic, banana shaped banana cutter that one would simply press over a banana to create slices.

Not sure if perfect banana slices are really worth a) the extra cupboard space that this tool would take up, and b) the shame of owning a banana slicer.

Apparently, the millions of years of evolution of human hands, and the thousands of years humans have used those hands to wield knives, is nothing compared to the 10 seconds in product development it took to come up with this:

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Adventures in food mislabeling

23 Jul

Soup. Warm, comforting, nutritious soup. The sort of thing you eat when you’re sick, cold, or on one of your diets again.

I know those diets: “No pasta for me! Just soup tonight. No, I love soup. I really do.”

An image of a recipe for crock pot, featuring 1 poudn of ground beef, 2 pounds of velveeta, and 30 ounces of broth.This isn’t soup, Vicki. This is obesity in a crock pot.

Where did the recipe deviate from soup? Somewhere between the 1 pound of ground beef and the 2 POUNDS OF  VELVEETA. That’s 2,588 calories worth of Velveeta, in case you were wondering. 97 grams of fat. YUMMY!

Am I being too harsh? The 2 pounds of shredded hash browns provide some Vitamin C. Oh, and I’m sure the 30 ounces of chicken broth do something towards a soup-like consistency.

At least Vicki had the sense to file this gem under “crafts”, rather than “recipes.” If Sandra Lee and Paula Deen got together, this is exactly the sort of “food” that they would whip up.

Let’s play… Bamboozle: Slow Cooker Edition (or, we’re all losers here)

10 Jul

Alright! Let’s play Bamboozle: Guess that food!

Sometimes, when you put something into a slow-cooker, it comes out looking less than savory. And by less than savory, I mean you can’t recognize it at all. Still not following? Have you somehow sheltered yourself from the slow cooker craze? Congratulations, you’ve saved yourself from one of the most pinane trending topics on Pinterest. I envy you.

To help you catch up, I give you this Sandra Lee tutorial. To begin our game of Bamboozle (slow cooker edition) skip to 4:42 of this video, turn the volume off, and guess that food. Is it beef? Chicken? Brown tofu?

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Leave those strawberries alone! War on Strawberries: Part 1

16 Jun

It’s strawberry season! June 18, right at the peak. All across North America and Britain, shoppers are enjoying bargain-basement prices on strawberries at their local grocery stores. Entire pints for only $1.99!

What will you do with all those strawberries? Eat them plain, savouring their delicious summery flavour?

An image of a basket of strawberries, looking delicious.

Image via FanPop.

No. You will chop them up, process them, coat them in sugar. Basically, you will mutilate them until they resemble the processed crap you eat the rest of the year. No strawberry left behind.

An image of a strawberry turned into a santa hat with white icing and sprinkles.

Why embrace summer, when you can harken back to the frigid days of Christmas? Shudder. The massacre continues:

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