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Baby, it’s cold outside…

26 Nov

…but it will never be cold enough for a chest-puppetted dress like this.


A head-to-toe sock monkey dress.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s cute, but when would I ever wear it?


The only redeemable quality of this scratchy woollen nightmare is the quasi-practical monkey backpack, and upon closer inspection, it doesn’t even work.

When would this be appropriate? Who wants the Eye of Sauron, red-chimpanzee fabric on their butt, or cutesy boobs?

Unless you’re planning a very sweaty Halloween or a very crazy Christmas, like most of the trending fashion looks on Pinterest, this look shouldn’t make the leap from your boards to your closet.

It’s only a sweatshirt, Mae

7 Nov

And it’s 80s throwback sweatshirt at that. It really complements those acid-wash jeans.

So, she wants the cross to be bigger? I’m not really sure how this would be feasible, unless the sweatshirt was made into a full-body bedazzled jumpsuit. Shudder.

Redundant shirt is redundant

20 Sep

Every woman wants to dress like a fourteen year old. DIY tribal shorts, flip flips, hair down to shins…

Wait, wait, wait. Let me correct myself–every woman on Pinterest seems to want to dress like a 14 year-old. At least, that’s the impression one might get while browsing fashion pins that scream “I just hit puberty!”

A crop top definitely says youth. Just in case you wanted to really, really emphasize your jejuneness (yes, that’s a word), you could try this:

Pin of a shirt that says young with an infinity loop stretched across the chest.

This shirt doesn’t just say, “I’m young.”It has a bolder statement on infinite youth, especially when worn by women.

Let’s imagine it on, shall we?

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GAH! for men

7 Sep

A couple of months ago, I found a truly terrifying pair of pumps on Pinterest. It seems that the trend has spread.


Screencap of a pin of shoes for men, splattered with red paint.

The perfect addition to any vampire costume, or a wardrobe mistake waiting to happen?

Or, the oxfords could be worn with the matching crime-scene pumps as a cutesy/weird couple thing to a Twilight premiere.

Fishing for compliments

30 Aug

Sometimes, Pinterest’s popular page is a swamp of crazy nail ideas. Most involve owls, ombre, glitter or bows–or some combination of the four. These elaborate nail schemes are perfect for women with a lot of time on their hands and, perhaps, a few self-esteem gaps to fill.

Some nail designs say pretty and summertime, and some recall A River Runs Through It–not exactly catching the type of compliments the original pinner was looking for.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin of rainbow nails with a rhinestone at the base of each. Someone has commented saying that they look like fishing lures. Don’t fall for this design hook, line and sinker before considering the connotations (yes, I’m done with the fish puns).

Giving you a big air-high-five right now, Renee.

We put Glitzy on the table and she oooo’d herself

27 Aug

Going to a Twilight costume party? Good for you. It’s time for some vampire-worthy glitter!

An image of a woman with sparkly, very sparkly nails in pink and blue and white. GROSS!

Bella’s first hand job? Yeah, I just went there.

Part of a week long series of posts with titles inspired by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, because, why not?

Our hair has always been washed in the kitchen sink

26 Aug

When you have to get your hair did in the kitchen sink like Alana’s mama, and your preferred style involves a metric ton of hydrogen peroxide, mishaps can occur.

For example, you could end up looking like the spawn of a hipster and one of those plastic trolls.

Hayley, this “ombre” hairstyle is literally trolling you. Lesson learned? Never re-pin anything from a Tumblr entitled “velvet gh0st.”

A pinterest screencap of a girl with bleached blue and pink hair.

The shoes and knee socks say girly innocence, and the sweatshirt dress, hair and headpiece say Very Mary Kate has escaped rehab and fallen into a vat of bleach. Ombre has never looked less beautimous.

Part of a week long series of posts with titles inspired by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, because, why not?

Kind of like a lopsided, obtuse, triangle, oval all put together like a, like a deformed shape

25 Aug

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the best show on television right now, filling the vacuum left by the end of Mad Men’s fifth season. You know it’s true.

For the next few days, I’ll use quotes by Honey Boo Boo (Alana) and her family to title my posts. As I’ve said, sometimes Pinterest can feel like the Bible Belt’s subconscious personified. June’s family? Ditto.

If you’d like to fit big mama’s description of herself her family (lopsided, obtuse, traingle, oval), please put on this unflattering poncho:

Peeing in a lake? Don’t want anyone to know?

This is the poncho for you; this stylish sundress will keep you covered while in the water, and that lovely colour will hide stains once you get out. See how satisfied the model looks? Crochet it now.

Just one in a series of nightmare ponchos found on pinterest.

Thanks to @KatySems for submitting this pin!

Aren’t you cold?

14 Aug

I’m turning into an old lady.

But, I mean, seriously. This is the sort of thing that makes me long for the Tiger Lily blanket and the poncho of chastity.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin showing a girl in a shredded rock'n'roll tshirt and undone shorts. Presumably, this is clothing.

Does this constitute clothing? Would this even pass at Bonnaroo? The Stones tour of ’78? Maybe Burning Man. More importantly: why would anyone do that to a concert t-shirt? And what did that pair of denim underwear ever do to her?

Wait: just noticed the stripper pole in the background. Now it all makes sense.

Just because a craft is easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing

13 Aug

Do you need no-sew pillow covers? A door wreath for spring made of taffeta and eggshells? A painted washing machine?

Just because a craft is easy, something you can accomplish with materials on hand, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. I have glitter and egg whites in my house right now. That doesn’t mean I need to go make myself a glittering summer souffle.

Similarly, having a beige throw and a slight chill does not mean that you need to make this poncho. Realistically, it could only be used as a racially-insensitive Pocahontas/Tiger Lily costume.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin with instructions and a photo of an ugly beige sheet with a neck and two arm holes. Instructions involve cutting and gluing.

This belongs in the back of your closet with your poncho of chastity.

Always exercise extreme caution with “clothing” DIY projects that involve glue and blankets.