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Baby, it’s cold outside…

26 Nov

…but it will never be cold enough for a chest-puppetted dress like this.


A head-to-toe sock monkey dress.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s cute, but when would I ever wear it?


The only redeemable quality of this scratchy woollen nightmare is the quasi-practical monkey backpack, and upon closer inspection, it doesn’t even work.

When would this be appropriate? Who wants the Eye of Sauron, red-chimpanzee fabric on their butt, or cutesy boobs?

Unless you’re planning a very sweaty Halloween or a very crazy Christmas, like most of the trending fashion looks on Pinterest, this look shouldn’t make the leap from your boards to your closet.

It’s only a sweatshirt, Mae

7 Nov

And it’s 80s throwback sweatshirt at that. It really complements those acid-wash jeans.

So, she wants the cross to be bigger? I’m not really sure how this would be feasible, unless the sweatshirt was made into a full-body bedazzled jumpsuit. Shudder.

Redundant shirt is redundant

20 Sep

Every woman wants to dress like a fourteen year old. DIY tribal shorts, flip flips, hair down to shins…

Wait, wait, wait. Let me correct myself–every woman on Pinterest seems to want to dress like a 14 year-old. At least, that’s the impression one might get while browsing fashion pins that scream “I just hit puberty!”

A crop top definitely says youth. Just in case you wanted to really, really emphasize your jejuneness (yes, that’s a word), you could try this:

Pin of a shirt that says young with an infinity loop stretched across the chest.

This shirt doesn’t just say, “I’m young.”It has a bolder statement on infinite youth, especially when worn by women.

Let’s imagine it on, shall we?

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GAH! for men

7 Sep

A couple of months ago, I found a truly terrifying pair of pumps on Pinterest. It seems that the trend has spread.


Screencap of a pin of shoes for men, splattered with red paint.

The perfect addition to any vampire costume, or a wardrobe mistake waiting to happen?

Or, the oxfords could be worn with the matching crime-scene pumps as a cutesy/weird couple thing to a Twilight premiere.

Fishing for compliments

30 Aug

Sometimes, Pinterest’s popular page is a swamp of crazy nail ideas. Most involve owls, ombre, glitter or bows–or some combination of the four. These elaborate nail schemes are perfect for women with a lot of time on their hands and, perhaps, a few self-esteem gaps to fill.

Some nail designs say pretty and summertime, and some recall A River Runs Through It–not exactly catching the type of compliments the original pinner was looking for.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin of rainbow nails with a rhinestone at the base of each. Someone has commented saying that they look like fishing lures. Don’t fall for this design hook, line and sinker before considering the connotations (yes, I’m done with the fish puns).

Giving you a big air-high-five right now, Renee.

When the scent of hairspray and desperation becomes overpowering

29 Aug

A screencap of a Pinterest board--imaginary pinterest wedding. sad.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Screencap of a Pinterest board 'for my friends who are getting married'

Seriously? We may as well come right out and say it.

Screencap of a PInterest board titled 'I'm not engaged but if I were'

Let’s be even more direct.

Screencap of a pinterest board entitled 'just insert man here lol'

LOL 🙂 (*sob*). Oh dear. The awful part? She’s not alone.

Screencap of a plethora of boards for imaginary weddings

There are many better things to do than taking your wedding daydreams (those are okay!) and constructing elaborate fantasies on Pinterest (thatz just kinda sad). We all want to find our soulmate, but will picking your centerpieces now help?

When you’re not only looking for the guy who will propose with a well-planned flashmob, but expending enough energy on the prospect that you’ve planned your wedding to him right down to your underwear (lace boxers, of course), you may be veering into obsession. Let’s recap:

Acceptable obsessions:

  • Attending weddings and the inevitable, enjoyable snarking about the decor; occasionally daydreaming about your own nuptials
  • Ryan Gosling
  • Pugs

Unacceptable obsessions:

  • Wedding planning and pinning when you’re not engaged
  • Stalking Ryan Gosling IRL
  • Borrowing pugs you don’t own, stuffing them into cute outfits, taking photos, and using them as the caller profile pics for contacts on your phone

Screencap of several I need to find a husband Pinterest boards.

Think of what you could do with all the time that would be freed up without imaginary wedding planning. You could master the fine art of crochet! Learn computer coding! Do one nail in each of these elaborate styles (chevron! ombre! hooker gets ahold of a bedazzler!). In other words, things you can do yourself, that you have control over.

Making someone love you? It doesn’t fall into that category.

As a great feminist once said, a woman needs a man like a fish needs one of those fish tank castle things (or something along those lines). Nice to have, but you know. This feminist also said, or would have said: a woman needs an elaborate wedding fantasy like a fish needs water laced with sulfuric acid, which is to say, she’s probably better off without.

At the very least, you don’t have to get all Snow White about it on Pinterest.

Screencap of many one day my prince will come boards.

And some parents say exposing their little girls to princess stories doesn’t warp them for life.

We put Glitzy on the table and she oooo’d herself

27 Aug

Going to a Twilight costume party? Good for you. It’s time for some vampire-worthy glitter!

An image of a woman with sparkly, very sparkly nails in pink and blue and white. GROSS!

Bella’s first hand job? Yeah, I just went there.

Part of a week long series of posts with titles inspired by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, because, why not?

Kind of like a lopsided, obtuse, triangle, oval all put together like a, like a deformed shape

25 Aug

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the best show on television right now, filling the vacuum left by the end of Mad Men’s fifth season. You know it’s true.

For the next few days, I’ll use quotes by Honey Boo Boo (Alana) and her family to title my posts. As I’ve said, sometimes Pinterest can feel like the Bible Belt’s subconscious personified. June’s family? Ditto.

If you’d like to fit big mama’s description of herself her family (lopsided, obtuse, traingle, oval), please put on this unflattering poncho:

Peeing in a lake? Don’t want anyone to know?

This is the poncho for you; this stylish sundress will keep you covered while in the water, and that lovely colour will hide stains once you get out. See how satisfied the model looks? Crochet it now.

Just one in a series of nightmare ponchos found on pinterest.

Thanks to @KatySems for submitting this pin!

Just because a craft is easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing

13 Aug

Do you need no-sew pillow covers? A door wreath for spring made of taffeta and eggshells? A painted washing machine?

Just because a craft is easy, something you can accomplish with materials on hand, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. I have glitter and egg whites in my house right now. That doesn’t mean I need to go make myself a glittering summer souffle.

Similarly, having a beige throw and a slight chill does not mean that you need to make this poncho. Realistically, it could only be used as a racially-insensitive Pocahontas/Tiger Lily costume.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin with instructions and a photo of an ugly beige sheet with a neck and two arm holes. Instructions involve cutting and gluing.

This belongs in the back of your closet with your poncho of chastity.

Always exercise extreme caution with “clothing” DIY projects that involve glue and blankets.

More patronizing advice for women

19 Jul

Hey, ladies! Pro-abstinence pinners want you to know about your limited choices. Let me break it down the two options for you:

  1. 100 years of sleep, then prince charming!
  2. 100 years of awake, kissing wrong frogs!

It is better for a girl to sleep for 100 years and be awakened by her prince charming than to stay awake and be kissed a hundred times by the wrong frog.

So, on the one hand, we have pure, virginal sleep. So innocent! So passive! Who wouldn’t want to calmly wait for her prince charming, who will surely come along as long as she stays as innocent and passive as she can?

On the other hand, sinful, whoreish activity. Going out and kissing 100 frogs, then finding prince charming. Or wait… It’s just one wrong frog, kissing you 100 times. This pin doesn’t even make sense.

Which would you choose? Remember: there’s no middle road.

Fight the good fight, Leslie Kemp. You’re my new hero.

UPDATE: This philosophy IRL in Ukraine.