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Just because a craft is easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing

13 Aug

Do you need no-sew pillow covers? A door wreath for spring made of taffeta and eggshells? A painted washing machine?

Just because a craft is easy, something you can accomplish with materials on hand, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. I have glitter and egg whites in my house right now. That doesn’t mean I need to go make myself a glittering summer souffle.

Similarly, having a beige throw and a slight chill does not mean that you need to make this poncho. Realistically, it could only be used as a racially-insensitive Pocahontas/Tiger Lily costume.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin with instructions and a photo of an ugly beige sheet with a neck and two arm holes. Instructions involve cutting and gluing.

This belongs in the back of your closet with your poncho of chastity.

Always exercise extreme caution with “clothing” DIY projects that involve glue and blankets.

Pins that will literally kill you

10 Aug

Okay, so, this is a little boy who cried wolf, but hear me out: I know I’ve said that some pins have made me die of disgust/shame/shock, but some pins are literally deadly.

And by deadly, I mean they can severely injure/maim you.

Screen cap of an Ask Anna pin of a clean washing machine.

My question for Anna: What’s the proper treatment for a chemical burn?

No, this is not just some conspiracy to lower the number of those annoyingly crafty DIY-ers; some bloggers genuinely seem to think that mixing vinegar and bleach is a FANTASTIC idea. It’s one that has been repinned countless times.

What’s more important than your  health? A sparkling clean washing machine, obviously.

A screencap of a pin advertising vinegar and bleach mixing in a bottle. Bad idea.

So, for those who skipped science class in high school in favour of home economics, two simple equations:

Bleach + Vinegar = Chlorine Gas
Chlorine Gas + You = Chemical burns, potential death

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Halloween ideas from the aisles of your local Walmart

1 Aug

Bullying is never the victim’s fault. The girl who got her ears pinned back to stop the bullying? Bad idea; her tormentors have been taught their comments were her fault.

That being said.

Dressing your child up in this costume may make you responsible for the bullying she receives.

A screencap of a kid dressed up as craft dinner, with noodles made out of toilet paper rolls, for Halloween.

Yes, it’s made out of toilet paper rolls. No, that does not make it more adorable.

I find dressing up kids as products a disturbing reflection of our consumerist, brand-obsessed culture, but more than that: this kid will not make it out of Halloween alive.

Nature’s magesty: ready, aim, fire

28 Jul

You know why Bambi’s mother had to die?

An image of a pin of a beautiful caribou in a forest, with the caption hunting season underneath.

This is why. @#(*$ like this. When “beautiful and peaceful” turns into “hunting season.”

Next thing you know, they’ll be going after my bunny from another honey. Thumper, obvi.

Your morning ugly: Chinese Chippendale?

23 Jul

Ruffles and satin and flowers, oh my!

A screencap from Pinterest of hideous satin wall treatments, complete with frills

Why would anyone ever treat their windows so hideously? What did your windows ever do to you?

You’ll notice that this is just one layer of curtain on this window (a second curtain rod at bottom left). Presumably, the first thing you want a dinner guest to think when they peep through your windows as they wait for you at the door is: “Wow. Love those brown, teal and yellow drapes. Maybe I should’ve sprung for the vintage.”

These are curtains Gayle would make. What’s that? You don’t know Gayle?

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The birthday cake quagmire

17 Jul

Has parenting ever been such a minefield? Between attachment parenting, “continuum” and dance moms, being a mom or dad is super complicated. Birthday party planning can be stressful–it’s essentially a showcase for your parenting tactics for the rest of the world.

In today’s obesity epidemic-wracked world, there are many routes you can take for birthday cake.

The classic

This version says everything in moderation, it’s my kid’s birthday. One birthday cake never killed anyone. I’m not one of those parents.

An image of a sheet cake with cupcakes on top in the shape of a lego piece, covered in lego coloured icing.

For those parents

This looks delicious to me; I don’t know how a group of dirt-covered noise machines would feel about it. It’s a vast improvement over traditional fruit cake, which can often look and taste like sugared bricks.

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The Grinch of Pinterest has something to say about whimsy

16 Jul

A couple of days ago, one of my friends called me the Grinch of Pinterest. I’m here to steal into people’s personal boards, snatch their most hopeful pins, stuff them onto my sled (led by a tiny French bulldog, also stolen) and cruise back to my non-decorated cave to harumph and bah humbug at them in private. Yes, harumph and bah humbug should be verbs.

There’s nothing I hate more than forced whimsy. See previous parakeet insult directed at Zooey Deschanel.

Pour example:

An image of balloons on a clothesline by the sea.

616 repins later, and this image is still gag-inducing. Nostalgic, multi-colored birthday balloons? Check. Ocean at sunset? Check. Randomly hanging up said balloons on an old fashioned drying line? Whimsy: complete. I don’t get it either, Bethany Wright.

Where there are balloons, there’s whimsy.

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Some things are meant to be plain

15 Jul

Here’s the thing about decorating, which Pinterest would like you to forget: some things don’t need to be decorated.

That’s right.

Some things can just be left alone. Like the stuff you buy from Ikea, or Sterlite drawers, a staple of college students and people who do so much crafting that they have several drawers worth of glitter, scissors and trim to organize.

If you find yourself bored one Sunday morning, considering some DIY, do not turn your eyes towards mod podge. Never mod podge. The crafts that your parents and teachers had you do to keep you amused when you were a child? Not an acceptable time-waster as an adult. That’s why people invented jogging, the Oprah network, House Hunters: International marathons and meditating.

An image of sterlite plastic drawers, bedazzled with mod podge on one side, and tape on the other.

Just because something is plain does not mean that you need to pick up your bedazzler and spray Easter all over it. No, don’t “follow your bliss.” If your bliss leads you here, find a new one that doesn’t involve crafting materials for the under-5 set.

Pinterest subcultures: Parakeets

14 Jul

It’s time to face facts. Put your owl-shaped mug down, lest it shatter, and take a seat so you don’t faint.

The owl trend has peaked.

Yesterday, I discovered a pin that alerted me to the prominence of Parakeets on Pinterest. Parakeets are the kittens of the bird world–slightly hipster in a universally adorbs sort of way. And more on-trend, colour-wise, than the previous hipster kitten of the bird world: owls.

If Zooey Deschanel had a pet, she’d have a parakeet named Nietzsche.

After being thrown into the spotlight by the below incident, I think parakeets are here to stay.

Images taken from a video of a Parakeet indulging in a chocolate fountain

Stage 1: The Bird Itself

Parakeets come in several colours, usually pretty pastels that are in keeping with this summer’s 80s sorbet colours that make me look like a corpse.

A pin of a pretty blue parakeet.

Needless to say, parakeets are very on trend.

Stage 2: Parakeet Effluvia

Now that owls are on their way out, the Parakeet has taken over the market of adorbs bird accessories.

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Yes, it’s chicken week on Pinfuriating.

11 Jul

Once again, I hope you’re not eating right now. Will this post cause me to lose some viewers? Yes. But the pin was just too disgusting to pass by.

Side note: this is as disgusting and off-colour as Pinfuriating will ever get. Gird your loins, and stomach:

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