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Two terrible trends collide

3 Sep

Tutu and camo have come together to create this unholy bastard child of an outfit, apparently intended for children. What did children ever do to you, Tyffani?

Screencap of a Pinterest pin of a pink camo and tutu dress.

Stuff for the kids? No. With a matching headpiece? HECK NO.

Scenarios in which this dress could be appropriate:

  • Paintball bachelorette
  • Wal-Mart
  • Flamingo hunting

Scenarios where it’s definitely inappropriate:

  • Anywhere else, for example, in a child’s closet, on a baby

Summer: farewell, farewell

1 Sep

Tragedy has struck: it’s September 1.

My depression at the dawn of slush season is deep, and can only be expressed fully through poetry.

“It fades–this green this lavish interval
This time of flowers and fruits,
Of melon ripe along the orchard wall,
Of sun and sails and wrinkled linen suits;
Time when the world seems rather plus than minus
And pollen tickles the allergic sinus.

The zinnia withers, mortal as the tulip.
Now from the dripping glass
I’ll sip no more the amateur mint julep
Nor dine al fresco on the alien grass;
Nor scale the height nor breast the truculent billow
Nor lay my head on any weekend pillow.

To paraphrase Phillys McGinley: fall means no mint juleps, and certainly no “scaling the truculent billow” (ie swimming in harsh waves). Pinterest, unfortunately, tainted all my scaling and juleping by anticipating fall and winter as early as April.

Now, however, autumn pins no longer seem so out of place. They’re like a plague.

I’m not sure if this doorscape says “farmer with an inventory problem” or “Pottery Barn enthusiast with too much money and time.”

An overly elaborate door concept for fall, found on Pinterest.

So, this door concept requires at least 15 squash, 100 apples, 40 corn stalks, 6 buckets and 4 hay bales. Antique pitchfork? It’ll set you back at least $100 at your local Pier 1.

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Our hair has always been washed in the kitchen sink

26 Aug

When you have to get your hair did in the kitchen sink like Alana’s mama, and your preferred style involves a metric ton of hydrogen peroxide, mishaps can occur.

For example, you could end up looking like the spawn of a hipster and one of those plastic trolls.

Hayley, this “ombre” hairstyle is literally trolling you. Lesson learned? Never re-pin anything from a Tumblr entitled “velvet gh0st.”

A pinterest screencap of a girl with bleached blue and pink hair.

The shoes and knee socks say girly innocence, and the sweatshirt dress, hair and headpiece say Very Mary Kate has escaped rehab and fallen into a vat of bleach. Ombre has never looked less beautimous.

Part of a week long series of posts with titles inspired by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, because, why not?

Kind of like a lopsided, obtuse, triangle, oval all put together like a, like a deformed shape

25 Aug

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the best show on television right now, filling the vacuum left by the end of Mad Men’s fifth season. You know it’s true.

For the next few days, I’ll use quotes by Honey Boo Boo (Alana) and her family to title my posts. As I’ve said, sometimes Pinterest can feel like the Bible Belt’s subconscious personified. June’s family? Ditto.

If you’d like to fit big mama’s description of herself her family (lopsided, obtuse, traingle, oval), please put on this unflattering poncho:

Peeing in a lake? Don’t want anyone to know?

This is the poncho for you; this stylish sundress will keep you covered while in the water, and that lovely colour will hide stains once you get out. See how satisfied the model looks? Crochet it now.

Just one in a series of nightmare ponchos found on pinterest.

Thanks to @KatySems for submitting this pin!

When cute gets disgusting

23 Aug

How do you demonstrate your unity as a couple? By getting married? That’s not enough.

During your actual wedding ceremony, in addition to your vows, the kiss, the rings, and the license, you should throw in another symbol. You need to make sure everyone gets that YOU’RE TOGETHER, and marriage isn’t 1 + 1 = 2, but 1 + 1 = 1. Sharing a glass of honey water, lighting a unity candle, and making a vase of unity sand all serve this purpose.

Or, you could create a painting.

Screencap of a pinterest pin of a bride and a groom creating a gloopy unity with two jars of pastel paint.You can hang it right above the bed for memories of the whole event, from ceremony to honeymoon. Ew.

Just because a craft is easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing

13 Aug

Do you need no-sew pillow covers? A door wreath for spring made of taffeta and eggshells? A painted washing machine?

Just because a craft is easy, something you can accomplish with materials on hand, doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. I have glitter and egg whites in my house right now. That doesn’t mean I need to go make myself a glittering summer souffle.

Similarly, having a beige throw and a slight chill does not mean that you need to make this poncho. Realistically, it could only be used as a racially-insensitive Pocahontas/Tiger Lily costume.

A screencap of a Pinterest pin with instructions and a photo of an ugly beige sheet with a neck and two arm holes. Instructions involve cutting and gluing.

This belongs in the back of your closet with your poncho of chastity.

Always exercise extreme caution with “clothing” DIY projects that involve glue and blankets.

Pins that will literally kill you

10 Aug

Okay, so, this is a little boy who cried wolf, but hear me out: I know I’ve said that some pins have made me die of disgust/shame/shock, but some pins are literally deadly.

And by deadly, I mean they can severely injure/maim you.

Screen cap of an Ask Anna pin of a clean washing machine.

My question for Anna: What’s the proper treatment for a chemical burn?

No, this is not just some conspiracy to lower the number of those annoyingly crafty DIY-ers; some bloggers genuinely seem to think that mixing vinegar and bleach is a FANTASTIC idea. It’s one that has been repinned countless times.

What’s more important than your  health? A sparkling clean washing machine, obviously.

A screencap of a pin advertising vinegar and bleach mixing in a bottle. Bad idea.

So, for those who skipped science class in high school in favour of home economics, two simple equations:

Bleach + Vinegar = Chlorine Gas
Chlorine Gas + You = Chemical burns, potential death

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Halloween ideas from the aisles of your local Walmart

1 Aug

Bullying is never the victim’s fault. The girl who got her ears pinned back to stop the bullying? Bad idea; her tormentors have been taught their comments were her fault.

That being said.

Dressing your child up in this costume may make you responsible for the bullying she receives.

A screencap of a kid dressed up as craft dinner, with noodles made out of toilet paper rolls, for Halloween.

Yes, it’s made out of toilet paper rolls. No, that does not make it more adorable.

I find dressing up kids as products a disturbing reflection of our consumerist, brand-obsessed culture, but more than that: this kid will not make it out of Halloween alive.

Your morning ugly: Chinese Chippendale?

23 Jul

Ruffles and satin and flowers, oh my!

A screencap from Pinterest of hideous satin wall treatments, complete with frills

Why would anyone ever treat their windows so hideously? What did your windows ever do to you?

You’ll notice that this is just one layer of curtain on this window (a second curtain rod at bottom left). Presumably, the first thing you want a dinner guest to think when they peep through your windows as they wait for you at the door is: “Wow. Love those brown, teal and yellow drapes. Maybe I should’ve sprung for the vintage.”

These are curtains Gayle would make. What’s that? You don’t know Gayle?

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The birthday cake quagmire

17 Jul

Has parenting ever been such a minefield? Between attachment parenting, “continuum” and dance moms, being a mom or dad is super complicated. Birthday party planning can be stressful–it’s essentially a showcase for your parenting tactics for the rest of the world.

In today’s obesity epidemic-wracked world, there are many routes you can take for birthday cake.

The classic

This version says everything in moderation, it’s my kid’s birthday. One birthday cake never killed anyone. I’m not one of those parents.

An image of a sheet cake with cupcakes on top in the shape of a lego piece, covered in lego coloured icing.

For those parents

This looks delicious to me; I don’t know how a group of dirt-covered noise machines would feel about it. It’s a vast improvement over traditional fruit cake, which can often look and taste like sugared bricks.

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