You’ve written inspiring mantras on post-its for their ensuite bathroom mirrors, breastfed exclusively for four years, and you hand-sew all of their organic clothing–but you’re not sure if your kids feel special enough.
What to do, what to do.
Here’s an idea: don’t write on their bananas. Put down that ballpoint pen, step back from your granite kitchen island, and think about what you’re doing. You’re writing on a banana–it’s the perfect storm of sweet and creep. Later, when you complain to your friends about how busy you are, remember this moment: you spent time you could have used to read or nap to write on a banana.
Also, as everyone knows, bananas that talk are pretty creepy:
That show provided me with a childhood’s worth of nightmares.
Most children who are given an inscribed banana will reach one of two conclusions:
1. The bananas love them and want to play with them.
2. Their parents are emotionally needy and insane.
I can’t get over the third banana–let’s play a game. Straight out of Saw.
It’s Halloween, and your kids care about one thing: CANDY! How much can I eat before I throw up? Let’s find out!
Parents–especially Pinterest parents–seem to have far more on their minds. Does my kid look cute? And more importantly, does my little girl look
sexy sassy? Does she look pretty and girly enough? No? IT’S TUTU TIME.
Spot the difference:
Strength versus beauty, because little boys should be strong, and girls should be “super sweet.” LOVING the stockings.
Evidently, the traditional spidey suits are just too masculine and unpretty for female tots, who need to show off their narrow little waists and plenty of skin.
I have a few ideas about who might be responsible for girls and their parents becoming obsessed with looking pretty and feminine at such an early age,
Sometimes, Pinterest can seem like a glimpse into the Bible Belt’s subconscious; the social platform definitely tilts right politically and socially. Pro-life, anti-Obama and camo wedding pins abound. With all the abstinence-only education pins, I thought the conservative communities on Pinterest would rejoice at the publicity around one of their own.
However, Todd Akin’s recent remarks on rape–generally in sync with the GOP’s anti-abortion platform–brought out an unexpected burst of anti-Republican vitriol. Yes, vitriol. Clearly, I’ve spent too much time watching election coverage.
Most pinners are aware of the three solid methods of birth control:
Todd Akin, Republican Senate nominee and member of the House Science, Space and Technology committee (yes, really), believes all three methods are superfluous. The most effective form of birth control? Women can shut down pregnancies through sheer force of will!
“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” – Todd Akin
As opposed to an illegitimate rape, through which women get pregnant (serve them right!).
The people of Pinterest, like most people who possess even the slightest understanding of human reproduction, disagreed.
You can even purchase a legitimate rape kit inspired by Todd.
Under Todd Akin and the GOP’s planned health care cuts, however, this would probably be closer to the actual cost of a rape kit for women without health insurance–up to $4,570. Should bring the number of reported rapes down! Akin: tough on crime.
What happened to the brave few pro-Akin pinners?
You see, babies, perhaps overly innocent in nature, need to be prepared for the hard world of hunting from birth.
In order for them to form the emotional callouses necessary to shoot at live animals, it would be wise to avoid the usual cutesy baby animal decor that most parents (softies!) choose for nurseries.
I love the little baby bunny peaking out of the camo headboard cover. Animal-spotting practice for the wilderness!
Here’s where I begin to think that hunting theme for baby is a bad idea: the traveling camoflauge baby carrier.
In a blow to the fetal personhood movement, these cookies capture what a baby looks like before it exits the womb as seen through an ultrasound.
The “fetus” icing kind of looks like a cartoon ghost that fell into a blender.
And you thought cookies couldn’t deal a blow to the fetal personhood movement.
These cookies are perfect for your next Halloween baby shower, or Democrat convention.
Apologies to everyone who thought this was a post on Twilight or 50 Shades of Misogyny. No, this is a post about the decidedly unsexy topic of parenting.
There’s a fork in the road of parenting that every mom and dad comes to: the way of glitter, or the way of spanking. Judging from this pin, many Pinterest parents have chosen the well-beaten path of corporal punishment (see what I did there?).
More pinners bemoan the dearth of spanking below: